Monday, January 10, 2011

I hate books

and yet I love them:

Books are like different portals for me. Every one I read I tried to get sucked into. To feel the emotions of the narrators, to believe the setting.They are fantasies for when my imagination runs dry. They are places to be when I don't want to be here.

I just finished Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater. I cried, and I want to cry more. I won't spoil it for my zero readers but the premise is so real for me. This is going to sound like the dumbest thing ever, but I always identified my boyfriend as a wolf, if I had to somehow shallowly place in in the category vs vamps. So whenever I read this book, I thought of us. How hard it is to be apart from the one you love. Not really ever knowing whats going on, if they're okay. Distanced.

It breaks my heart each and every day to be apart from him. To have someone so imperfectly wonderful and someone who when you first saw and met them you felt a gear click in your head. Everything was in place.  Even through the fights and misunderstandings, I love him. More than anyone I could ever think of. I could only love my own children as much. But there's also another kind of distance between us. He's not sure if he wants the same. The fact the distance could be broken because there would be no more us. Only him and only I. How is it so that the one you love so much, and the love is so rational and pure, that there just isn't the same feeling. No matter what I say or do he just doesn't feel the same. Not to say that he isn't a good boyfriend, or that he doesn't love him. I just wish I could close the gaps. I hate this so much. I just want to see him, and hold his hand, and smell him in the room. I want to listen to him play guitar, and watch him play video games, and cook for him, and yell at him, and nuzzle into his neck. I just want to stop being apart, on both levels.

I don't know what else I can say.



  1. First of all, I think I'd like to read this book.

    I'm sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend.. I really hope everything works out!

    KF x

  2. Please do! It was an excellent read, and easy to follow.
    Thank you for the kind words as well.